Unknowing

Drop boys at school. Check.

Workout at gym. Check.

Change clothes to do errands. Check.

I hustled, slipping on capri-pants with a t-shirt and sliding into my Skechers sandals. After arriving at the first store, I walked in and felt compelled to re-align my pants. They were bunched up, or crooked, or something. I twisted this way and that, making sure the seams were running down the front as they should be. All good.

I put a few items in my cart in the first aisle and again, needed to make an adjustment. And the self-talk began. Good Lord, I workout! I design professional fitness videos for a living! Why can’t I fit in these underwear? Something is wrong with them.

I continued shopping, yet something was still amiss. Disgusted that my body was changing due to the compounding effects of COVID restrictions, I looked around to be sure no other shoppers were in my row, and shoved my hands down the front and back of my pants to re-align my underwear. Ahhh, much better. I hope no one from security was watching me on the store cameras.

After adding a few more items, and all the adjustments I’d made so far were not holding anything ‘down there’ in place, I berated myself as I headed for the checkout line. This is pathetic. How could I let myself get like this? Why am I falling out of my underwear?

I silently launched a Hail Mary to the heavens to help me get everything done today without annihilating myself with negative self-talk. And, for my underwear to stay in place. No prayer is too small for God Almighty, the maker of heaven and earth.

I ran around for a couple more hours. My underwear was everywhere it shouldn’t be. I was so disappointed with myself by the time I got home, I had determined to trash the current underwear and put on a different pair. Surely the elastic had worn out or something?

Women’s underwear comes in a wide array of styles, colors, fabrics and purposes. Boy shorts, briefs, thongs, full coverage, g-strings, bikinis, and the infamous “granny panties”. There are low-rise and hi-rise versions of everything. And then there’s material - cotton, cotton stretch, chiffon, silky blends, lace, fabrics I don’t know how to pronounce, and every color or design combination under the sun. Some women will only wear underwear that matches their bra. The choices are endless.

My underwear was of the smaller-coverage type. As I prepared to rip it off my body, my jaw gaped and I stared. No matter how much I pleaded with God to answer my small prayers, and He’s still in the business of miracles today, it might not be in the cards for him to fix backwards. It’s more likely for Him to drive demons from a man into a herd of pigs than to turn my underwear around while I’m actually wearing it.

One definition of the adverb backwards is… into a worse state: the patient was slipping backwards. I’m confident I can help provide the geniuses who write dictionary definitions with my real-world example… the frazzled mother berated herself profusely because she unknowingly wore her thong underwear backwards.

Thank you God, for opening my eyes to see (MY BACKWARDS UNDIES).